Forgiveness is not automatic?

Passing through Sellwood, I read “Forgiveness is not automatic”. I guess the church sign did its thing – made me look, made me think. I’ve been chewing on that idea, spitting it out and then chewing on it some more for several days now. I can’t get a handle on whether it is true or not.

I google the phrase and all sorts of references appear. My pick of the day is from a university website: “Course forgiveness is not automatic; you must apply through the office of the registrar.” I wish it were that straightforward in life after graduation. I’m not sure it was always that easy as a student either.

Fact is we all mess up. Every last one of us. “To err is human” (Alexander Pope). It is far easier to mess up than fess up, that’s for sure. Maybe it is because we think that forgiveness is so impossible to receive. “To forgive is divine” (Pope, again). See, it is indeed above and beyond the call of being human.

Does forgiveness seem so impossible because I have a hard time doling it out or because I have a hard time coming up with examples of where it has been doled out to me? Which comes first – the chicken or the egg?

We’re kind of like two kids ready to dive off the world’s highest cliff into a vast body of water below: “You first!” “No, you first!” I’ll forgive you if you forgive me.

What about, “OK, let’s do it together”? That is what produces authentic community – when we decide right up front we will make the leap simultaneously, like those synchronized Olympic divers.

But if I understand anything about God, it is that He has chosen to forgive us up front. With God the giving is automatic. That doesn’t fly well with “let ‘em burn” types. But it’s true. Otherwise Cliff Barrows was lying through his teeth all those years at Billy Graham Crusades when he sang “Just as I am.” First comes grace/forgiveness, then comes acceptance (saying “I’m sorry”), then comes resolution/restoration.

OK, there’s that teaching of Jesus’ that if we don’t forgive, we can’t be forgiven. But that is if we, having been forgiven, go out and proactively don’t forgive others. In any case, God is always the initiator of forgiveness – and long before we even know to ask.

But does that mean I automatically have to forgive those who have so deeply hurt me? In a word, yes. Though that effort does take an act of grace by God in me first. Fortunately for me and everyone else, God is very gracious (patient). In the end, though, I do – I will – forgive.

Scary. If only we didn’t lose out by offering forgiveness. How can I forgive them for what they have done? Don’t I just open myself to more pain and abuse? Only if forgiveness is giving up boundaries. When God forgives, he has nothing more to lose than He already lost on the cross. And with that loss, He actually had everything to gain.

So how does that work with me? Do I lose or, like God, gain? When I forgive, I release the hold the past has on me. However, acceptance of forgiveness and restitution are up to the “forgivee”. Beyond that, restoration is not automatic. Restoration of the relationship – reopening up to each other – is always a two-way street and certainly contingent on acceptance of forgiveness, restitution, change and a guarantee of wholesome boundaries.

It’s all still so very scary until I can be sure I can trust God that if I forgive, He will protect me. Sometimes the pains in life are so deep that such trust is hardly automatic. But I’m learning in the authentic journey that authenticity is being honest and also being willing to move ahead. If the other guy says “you first”, I just want to make sure God jumps with me. As I’m finding out, He always does.

Authentic Community

People these days talk a lot about defining community, be it family, neighborhoods, church, social groupings, labor unions, corporations, cities, even nations. When I was a kid, these concepts seemed more clearly defined, set in stone even. Things have changed – and I’m not sure all for the worse. Sometimes the good old days don’t always look so good in retrospect. For sure, they weren’t perfect. Today’s dysfunctions are rooted in yesterday.

I got to thinking out loud on an email with a friend this morning. We’ve each been going through transition in community relationships the past couple of years.

A lesson I’ve been learning is that even when you think you are on target as a community, you can be completely off based and not know it until you find yourselves in a crisis. It is then you discover deep anxieties hidden which surface only when a fresh issue presents itself.

This is the real test of any community of any size. I used to think that organizational size mattered. But I've seen things done well and things done not so well and size doesn't seem to be a significant factor. What really counts is how well the community connects individuals relationally and how thoroughly the community works to develop the giftings of every member – every one of them. Not just initially, but ongoing.

The test is not how well a community functions when things are going smoothly, but how well it functions in crisis. As with individuals, crisis reveals a community’s true character. We saw this played out with Hurricane Katrina – the cracks in the levees were minor compared with society’s fault lines. This is a principle of character more than philosophy or structure. Often times structural flaws show, but they are usually symptoms of much deeper defects in corporate vision and philosophy which are, in the end, mere reflections of that community’s heart. All looks good on paper, but doesn’t pass the test. It has to be in the community’s character DNA, regardless of what is said or printed or posted.

When you go through such a community crisis as an individual, you hopefully come out still very relationship-committed to the core. Yet you may have to take time to get back to where you trust yourself in close relational quarters again. You know you will get there, but you can’t rush it. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all, but it is part of the healing process.

Everyone may be ready to move on, but there is a subterranean shifting going on individually and corporately that will take distance to sort out. Relational trauma has occurred and that is not easily glossed over. Doesn't necessarily mean you obsess as a community or as individuals, just means you remain alert to triggers down the road.

Occasionally, subtle signs show that you are still working things out. How we deal with these matters varies, but the main thing is not ignoring the signs and remembering they are symptoms of something going on at a deeper level. Fact is we are in a grieving process – something God-given and healthy. I, for one, am learning that I don't move on by ignoring pain. I move on by embracing and processing the pain. May not sound fun, but it is healthy and authentic.